An extrovert goes grocery shopping!

This weekend I went to my local shopping centre on Saturday - the day between the two Easter public holidays. Rather than dreading the inevitable madness as people shop like there's no tomorrow, I kind of looked forward to being there on this busier than normal Saturday. 

After my shopping was done and as I walked out into the car-park, energetically pushing my trolley, smiling and singing to myself, I had a bit of a self awareness light-bulb moment. I really love the buzz of being with so many people in this mundane environment. Does this make me weird or a bit sad? Many of my friends can't stand grocery shopping, and avoid our daggy supermarket whenever possible, whereas I've noticed that I actually get an adrenaline buzz from the interactions I have with people as I buy my groceries! 

When I shop at my local I enjoy chatting to the shop assistants - at the fruit shop, at Woollies, at Bakers Delight, and to the woman who runs the florist. I've been shopping here for years, so I feel connected to these people and we know a little about each other and our lives. I teach at a local preschool so I also run into lots of current and past children and families as I shop, and once again I love the ongoing connection that this contact gives me. It's great to briefly catch up, to reminisce, and to watch children grow and see the changes that time brings. 

I often run into friends while I shop, and I also enjoy the interactions with people I don't know at all as we drive our trolleys around the aisles, or wait in lines at counters, We share a smile, a laugh, an offer of help, or a roll of the eyes when its appropriate. 

This realisation confirms that I am more of an extrovert than an introvert - I am energised by interactions with groups of people. I love going to see bands and big concerts, and I work with lots of people, so this is no surprise to me. However I think the shopping thing goes a little bit deeper - I think that being a part of this routine reminds me that we are all connected and are all just doing what we need to do to get by. Obviously shopping for food is a lot easier than trying to hunt for it, or grow it, and I am among the privileged few in the world who can just go down the road and get everything I need and more. However when I shop at my local supermarket I feel that I belong and that I am part of a community. 

My happiness comes from my sense of good fortune as I shop, and the reminder that what really matters is how we turn everyday moments into opportunities to connect, to be kind, and to be grateful.

                                                                    I just had fun drawing this on Paint! Vanna xxx

Time to start writing again.

It's been far too long since I've written a post for my little blog, and in the last week or so I've seen 2 friends who have reminded me to write - to just do it! So here I am writing and already it feels good.

I'm not totally sure what stopped me writing, however I do think it has a little to do with my mind being preoccupied with a bit of anxiety. My anxiety is low level and pretty straightforward - it is directly related to my health and is a result of having had breast cancer not only once - but twice! Throw some genetic disposition into the mix and worrying about the pain in my foot - is it foot cancer??? seems hardly surprising.

However, even though I'm very good at rationalising my anxiety, I'm not always so effective at dealing with it. I let it creep up on me and then I realise that a large amount of my mental energy is being spent worrying about things that haven't happened and that may happen - although most times these are incredibly unlikely to happen. As well as being unpleasant, what I dislike most about this is the space these thoughts take up in my mind. I have realised that when I'm anxious I have less space to be creative. My mind becomes full of not only the anxious thoughts, but also the thoughts that I use to try to resist and deal with the worries. Lots of not so helpful self-talk included. I become distracted - not fully present. And less inclined to take risks, to make things, to try something new.

The flip side of this is that as soon as I do something creative - such as writing which is my preferred creative outlet, my anxiety starts to fade away. It's like when you really don't want to exercise but you drag yourself out - and of course end up loving it and feeling fantastic afterwards. (Walking is also great for my headspace, as is mediating which I don't do nearly enough).

So I guess the moral of my story is that it's time to start writing again. We all know that prevention is better than the cure and now that my head is in a good place I should give myself some gentle help to keep it that way.

Vanna xxx




 

Walking with my beautiful dog Mali is great for my mental health too.

 And so is drinking tea of course!

Crazy contradictions

Yesterday as I was driving I was listening to the radio, and in the same news headlines were reports of thousands of people dying from the ebola virus and then the news that a horse had won 3 million dollars for wining a race. I had one of those moments where I wondered about the absolute insanity and unfairness of our world. Surely in a sane world that money would be going towards health and safety rather than rewarding people for forcing a horse to run fast. I know this is a very simplified reaction to reality and usually I don't let these contrasts bother me, however every now and then it just all seems too ridiculous.

Today however is a beautiful Spring day in Sydney - I'm sitting on my verandah writing and enjoying a cup of tea. The world seems a little less crazy and as always incredibly beautiful because of and in spite of these contradictions.

Vanna xxx

Fabric memories

It's been a bit quiet at tea and contemplation lately - things are busy in other parts of my life so my energy is elsewhere just for the moment. I am however drinking large amounts of tea (what would I do without it!) and hope to have more time for blogging and writing soon.

In the meantime I've had another little story published in The Planthunter online magazine. Yay!
It's about my childhood once again - as I've said before, I really enjoy writing about my memories of this time. The theme for this month on the Planthunter is fabric, which reminded me of the fun I had with my Mum as we collected plants to use to make dye to colour the wool she had spun.

The story is called Adventures with sour sobs and lichen . Have a look if you like - I wonder what sorts of creative adventures you had as a child?

Staying with the fabric theme - this is a beautiful crochet blanket that my Oma hand made and which I now proudly own. Another special memory of her and her many talents.

Vanna xxx

Love on Father's Day

I'm missing my Dad today on my first Father's Day without him, so in his memory I'd thought I'd share something he wrote in one of his many diaries:

“The free Nelson Mandela concert in UK closed with the chair closing the celebration with 4 words –

FIRST – HUMANITY

FIRST – JUSTICE

and   I say

FIRST & LAST: LOVE.     

 

May all Dad's and all beings be peaceful and well and loved.

Vxxx

 

                                                                                               

The landscape of childhood.

I recently read these thoughts on youth and writing about childhood, paraphrased from George Eliot:

...in the landscape of youth there is nothing important, except that is where we learned to be human. Sensitivity to one's childhood landscape is a sign of moral maturity.
(In a review of Rebecca Mead's The road to Middlemarch, by Helen Elliott SMH, Feb 2014).

This idea of sensitivity to childhood resonates with me as lately I have noticed that much of my writing is about my reflections of childhood. An incident from my memory is often the starting point for further discussion about something that is pertinent in my life today. So, if as Eliot suggests, this means that I have "moral maturity" then I feel pretty chuffed! 

There are reasons for my fascination with childhood. Obviously my work with young children  reflects and influences my constant thinking about this significant time in our lives, and I agree that it is when and where we learn to be human. We learn how to relate to others,  how to move and survive in this big crazy world, and our brains and hearts take shape. I do however also believe that this learning continues our entire life and that it's never to late to change, but that's a whole other conversation.

I also had a very happy and privileged childhood and I guess that as I age I am becoming more appreciative of this fact. I know that losing my Oma (grandma) and my Dad in the last year has also made me more nostalgic for my early years, as I remember the huge impact of both of these special relationships on the person I grew up to be. I'm also reminded of my childhood and adolescence as I watch my children grow towards adulthood. The emotions and experiences that they go through often feel familiar, sometimes painful, however mostly filled with that sense of excitement for the future and the idea that anything can happen.

At the same time I also remember the feeling of really enjoying and being in the present moment which was such a special part of being a child. I know that as I grow older I am doing my best to relearn that ability to appreciate and fully experience what is happening now - be it good or bad, and let go of worrying about what has been or may happen.




 

Loving the moment! All dressed up for my brother's party with my best friend.

Home, family, friends and celebrations are all part of my 'childhood landscape'. 

(That's me on the left).



 

 

I have to admit that I have wondered if my references to childhood in my writing were in fact childish! Did it mean that my thinking and writing were limited in some way? Perhaps not deep enough for an adult? After reading these words from George Eliot, which then motivated me to think more about why this time of life is so significant for me, I do feel much more confident about this aspect of my writing - and rather morally mature!

Cheers to tap water!!

I've just realised that as today is August 1st, it means that I have gone for a whole 7 months without buying a bottle of water!! Pretty impressive I think.

You may remember that at New Year I resolved not to buy bottled water and while I didn't think it would be too hard, I'm actually surprised at how easy it has been. Buying a bottle of water, and pretty much any bottled drink, is just not an option for me anymore. I have to admit that I have had a few sips from other's bottles, however I would rather wait until I get home, or to a source of tap water to have a proper drink, or take my own bottle filled from the tap at home. I did this often during Summer when we were going out for the day, to the pool or wherever.

It's one of those funny things about our society that so many of us choose to pay for water and then don't think twice about throwing away the bottle that it came in. I think it is a good example of how easy it is to get caught up in what everyone else does, or what marketing tells us to do, without questioning it. Why should we pay for water? Why not drink from the tap? Why is it OK to add to landfill and use up resources by drinking from plastic? Why should convenience always be the priority?

I think that making this resolution has shown me that I can make a choice about my consumption. I am also aware of how fortunate I am that I can make this choice - that I have unlimited access to clean, safe water. There are some sobering statistics about water scarcity on this UN website  -  including the fact that 780 million people do not have access to clean water.

Someone once said to me that every choice we make is also a political one. This sounds pretty heavy, however I agree to a point, because everything we do reflects our beliefs and priorities. If we believe that everything is interconnected, then our actions, whether positive or negative, sustainable or not, will impact on each other and the natural world. I hope that my small change in habit will impact positively and perhaps make others think about the choices they make when it comes to buying water, as well as reminding us to be grateful for what we have.

Cheers!

Early Memories

There was a discussion on the radio (702 ABC) today about our earliest memories and it inspired me to write and think about the early things I can recall. I find memory and the way our brains work to store memory really fascinating. I know that memory is influenced by emotions - particularly strong ones such as fear and surprise. We are programmed to remember negative things so that if we come across them again we know how to protect ourselves. I have done a lot of reading about the brain and about ways to also teach our brains to reinforce positive experiences and emotions. I do feel fortunate that my default is to be glass half full, and this positive bent means that I am generally happy and content. I believe that this has also influenced my memory as I also know that memories are reinforced each time we recall them - so that if you tend to recall happy, positive memories you seem to have more of them and vice-versa with negative ones.

It's also intriguing to me that we all remember different parts of the same experience, or recall it in various ways. My cousin Nicole often remembers things from our childhood and adolescence that I had forgotten - although I can usually find some memory of the event in the back of my mind. My friend Hilary has an amazing memory for detail in books - she remembers the names of every character and has a wonderful ability to visualise scenes. I am not known for having a brilliant memory, particularly for everyday details, however I am greatly influenced (and often overwhelmed!) by my emotions and I am aware of this when I reminisce.

So ... my earliest memory? It is a bit like a series of old polaroids with blurry edges that trigger feelings. A brown paper bag filled with Autumn leaves  - I took this for show and tell at preschool. I would have been 4 years old. I can see the bag and I can hear the crackling noise that the leaves made as I gently squashed the bag. A child in a wheelchair holding the bag of leaves and he is smiling ... I remember asking my Mum about this memory years later when I was a teenager and she confirmed that when I took the leaves in, some of the other children including this boy had a turn at holding the leaves and hearing the sound they made. I was apparently very excited about taking the leaves which I had collected from my garden to show everyone. I guess there was something special about that day, or those moments, or the people I interacted with that made them imprint in my memory. I wonder if it has had an impact on the person I am today, maybe even the choices I have made that have led to me being a preschool teacher? This memory feels very comfortable to me, and its significance in my mind sits well with the things that are important to me today.

What do you remember from your early years? Do your memories tell you something about the person that you grew up to be?

A new pact with myself

I've never been brilliant at making decisions.  I tend to over think situations and I know that I definitely try too hard to keep everyone happy which can sometimes be to my detriment. I have written about decision making before here - Make a pact with yourself - where I talk about always making time with my children a priority. In the last few weeks I have been mulling over an offer of extra work and wondering whether I should accept it or not. I have tossed around the pros and cons over and over, but just haven't been able to shake the feeling of discomfort it gives me. I have feelings of obligation, guilt, desire for recognition (and money!) and so on, however none of these are enough for me to commit to a job that, based on my past experience, I am pretty sure will result in me feeling stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I spent time with two old friends who both work in the same field as me, and I talked to them about my decision. Both reminded me that yes! I had asked them to please tell me not to do this type of work again. I thought about what advice I would give them if they were in the same situation and I know that I would tell them to make themselves a priority. And this is where I had the idea of making a new pact with myself - to do what is best for me. This focus on myself feels slightly uncomfortable. I definitely fit into the category of women who worry about everyone else before themselves. I have had major health issues in recent years and yet I still don't make my health and need to reduce stress the priority that it should be.

Later in the day as I was grocery shopping I was thinking about this new pact with myself and I ran into another friend who without even knowing what I had been thinking over, gave me the final encouragement I needed. In the checkout at Woolies -  where many wise words are spoken - she reminded me to rest, to take care of myself and to be creative.

So now, with thanks to my 3 wise friends, I've made a decision. I will take on work that feels good, that doesn't give me that awful tight feeling in my chest whenever I think about it. I will do work that fits in time wise - so that other things in my life and my family's life aren't compromised. I am also going to commit to use the time I do have to be creative - to write at a regular time at least once a week and to exercise regularly.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this new pact will take me. I expect I will find it hard at times, and of course I know I will continue to consider others in my decisions. I had a look for quotes about self care, of which there are many. This one really resonated with me - its about letting go which I believe is a bit of a theme in my life.

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~ Kim McMillen   When I loved myself enough

I also like this one - if I take care of myself I'll be more able and available to take care of others.

 

Do you agree that looking after yourself is a priority? How do you think you are doing in this area?

Vanna xxx