Milestones and Letting Go

I began this post in September last year, and finished it today ...


I love milestones, and they also send me a little bit crazy.
Last month was a biggie! My son turned 18 and graduated from high school - ON THE SAME DAY!!

When something big like this is approaching I whip myself up into an emotional frenzy and share this heightened state with everyone around me. Leading up to the 'big day' I couldn't stop talking about how I was feeling, and about how much I was going to cry, actually crying, and generally over-sharing to whoever would listen.  I apologise to not only my family and friends, but also to my neighbours, to the lovely people who work at the local fruit shop, and to my workmates!

The Graduation was fantastic, and I cried of course. I drank champagne with my friend whose daughter started Kindy on the same day as my son and we cried happy tears as we watched them enjoy their graduation together 13 years later.The 18th was wonderful too - and we survived the birthday party in better shape than some of the guests!

I've always thought that being a parent is in so many ways about letting go. At each stage of your child's life you need to let go that little bit more. You let go when you send them to preschool, to school, on sleepovers and to camp. You let them make their own choices and mistakes, and hope that when they return to you they will be ok. They will be a little changed from each new experience, and so will you.

When my son turned 18 and finished school I celebrated the beautiful man that he had become and grieved for the gorgeous boy that he was. I celebrated that I was with him to share in this important day and my heart burst with pride and love as I watched him share this special day with his friends and with our family.

Now, 5 months later as I finally finish this post I'm feeling a lot calmer and accepting of this next stage in my life as a mother. He is away with friends for a week and I'm missing him, but I know that he's having a great time and I want nothing more than for him to be happy, peaceful, and surrounded by people who he loves, enjoying this exciting time in his life, when so much is possible. I know that the letting go will continue, and more tears will be shed, however a little rest for the moment feels sweet and I will savour it.

Vanna xxx




I love the sense of freedom and exhilaration in this image - letting go can be difficult but once you've done it, it feels pretty good!

(I found this photo on google images).

Fabric memories

It's been a bit quiet at tea and contemplation lately - things are busy in other parts of my life so my energy is elsewhere just for the moment. I am however drinking large amounts of tea (what would I do without it!) and hope to have more time for blogging and writing soon.

In the meantime I've had another little story published in The Planthunter online magazine. Yay!
It's about my childhood once again - as I've said before, I really enjoy writing about my memories of this time. The theme for this month on the Planthunter is fabric, which reminded me of the fun I had with my Mum as we collected plants to use to make dye to colour the wool she had spun.

The story is called Adventures with sour sobs and lichen . Have a look if you like - I wonder what sorts of creative adventures you had as a child?

Staying with the fabric theme - this is a beautiful crochet blanket that my Oma hand made and which I now proudly own. Another special memory of her and her many talents.

Vanna xxx

The landscape of childhood.

I recently read these thoughts on youth and writing about childhood, paraphrased from George Eliot:

...in the landscape of youth there is nothing important, except that is where we learned to be human. Sensitivity to one's childhood landscape is a sign of moral maturity.
(In a review of Rebecca Mead's The road to Middlemarch, by Helen Elliott SMH, Feb 2014).

This idea of sensitivity to childhood resonates with me as lately I have noticed that much of my writing is about my reflections of childhood. An incident from my memory is often the starting point for further discussion about something that is pertinent in my life today. So, if as Eliot suggests, this means that I have "moral maturity" then I feel pretty chuffed! 

There are reasons for my fascination with childhood. Obviously my work with young children  reflects and influences my constant thinking about this significant time in our lives, and I agree that it is when and where we learn to be human. We learn how to relate to others,  how to move and survive in this big crazy world, and our brains and hearts take shape. I do however also believe that this learning continues our entire life and that it's never to late to change, but that's a whole other conversation.

I also had a very happy and privileged childhood and I guess that as I age I am becoming more appreciative of this fact. I know that losing my Oma (grandma) and my Dad in the last year has also made me more nostalgic for my early years, as I remember the huge impact of both of these special relationships on the person I grew up to be. I'm also reminded of my childhood and adolescence as I watch my children grow towards adulthood. The emotions and experiences that they go through often feel familiar, sometimes painful, however mostly filled with that sense of excitement for the future and the idea that anything can happen.

At the same time I also remember the feeling of really enjoying and being in the present moment which was such a special part of being a child. I know that as I grow older I am doing my best to relearn that ability to appreciate and fully experience what is happening now - be it good or bad, and let go of worrying about what has been or may happen.




 

Loving the moment! All dressed up for my brother's party with my best friend.

Home, family, friends and celebrations are all part of my 'childhood landscape'. 

(That's me on the left).



 

 

I have to admit that I have wondered if my references to childhood in my writing were in fact childish! Did it mean that my thinking and writing were limited in some way? Perhaps not deep enough for an adult? After reading these words from George Eliot, which then motivated me to think more about why this time of life is so significant for me, I do feel much more confident about this aspect of my writing - and rather morally mature!

Early Memories

There was a discussion on the radio (702 ABC) today about our earliest memories and it inspired me to write and think about the early things I can recall. I find memory and the way our brains work to store memory really fascinating. I know that memory is influenced by emotions - particularly strong ones such as fear and surprise. We are programmed to remember negative things so that if we come across them again we know how to protect ourselves. I have done a lot of reading about the brain and about ways to also teach our brains to reinforce positive experiences and emotions. I do feel fortunate that my default is to be glass half full, and this positive bent means that I am generally happy and content. I believe that this has also influenced my memory as I also know that memories are reinforced each time we recall them - so that if you tend to recall happy, positive memories you seem to have more of them and vice-versa with negative ones.

It's also intriguing to me that we all remember different parts of the same experience, or recall it in various ways. My cousin Nicole often remembers things from our childhood and adolescence that I had forgotten - although I can usually find some memory of the event in the back of my mind. My friend Hilary has an amazing memory for detail in books - she remembers the names of every character and has a wonderful ability to visualise scenes. I am not known for having a brilliant memory, particularly for everyday details, however I am greatly influenced (and often overwhelmed!) by my emotions and I am aware of this when I reminisce.

So ... my earliest memory? It is a bit like a series of old polaroids with blurry edges that trigger feelings. A brown paper bag filled with Autumn leaves  - I took this for show and tell at preschool. I would have been 4 years old. I can see the bag and I can hear the crackling noise that the leaves made as I gently squashed the bag. A child in a wheelchair holding the bag of leaves and he is smiling ... I remember asking my Mum about this memory years later when I was a teenager and she confirmed that when I took the leaves in, some of the other children including this boy had a turn at holding the leaves and hearing the sound they made. I was apparently very excited about taking the leaves which I had collected from my garden to show everyone. I guess there was something special about that day, or those moments, or the people I interacted with that made them imprint in my memory. I wonder if it has had an impact on the person I am today, maybe even the choices I have made that have led to me being a preschool teacher? This memory feels very comfortable to me, and its significance in my mind sits well with the things that are important to me today.

What do you remember from your early years? Do your memories tell you something about the person that you grew up to be?

Reading - the silver lining.

It's been a while between posts as I had a small health hiccup, however am thankfully all recovered and ready for life to return to 'normal'. There is always a sliver lining and  having to take some time off to heal meant that I got to do lots of reading! I finished both books that I posted about previously - Far from the Tree and Currawong Manor.

Currawong Manor was a wonderful escape into another world full of interesting and eccentric characters and mystery. The atmosphere that Josephine creates is thick with suspense and her words build such strong and beautiful pictures. The story is set in the Blue Mountains and I always enjoy reading about somewhere that is familiar to me. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the mountains so that I can enjoy the beautiful scenery with the images and characters from Currawong Manor playing in my mind.

Far from the Tree also lived up to expectations. I was overwhelmed by the stories of family, love and resilience that Andrew Solomon presents as he explores identity and difference. My work as a teacher has given me a small amount of understanding of how having a child with a disability or who 'doesn't fit in' can impact on families, and this book explores such a wide range of children and families that I feel I have expanded my knowledge enormously by reading it. He covers so many issues, particularly the significance of identity, without judgement and with love and sensitivity, and highlights the incredible strength that can be gained from tough times and experiences.

I also re-read The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion - such a fun and clever book.

I am so thankful that I enjoy (actually adore and couldn't live without!) reading. Knowing that I can escape into a book helps me to move beyond my own concerns and makes my life bigger and more amazing. 

The Planthunter

I am very excited and just have to tell you that I have had a story published in the wonderful online magazine The Plant Hunter - http://theplanthunter.com.au/

I have written about childhood, children, and the natural world - something very close to my heart, and it's such a wonderful feeling to know that someone else believes that my ideas and thinking are worth sharing.

Have a good read and look at the rest of The Plant Hunter too. I love the concept behind it - a place to document and celebrate the connections between plants and humans.

Vanna xxx

One of the many beautiful flower displays we saw in Japan.

The hydrangeas remind me of my childhood. They were favourites of my Oma and my brother. Oma used to have big bushes of them growing at the front of her house, and I was always intrigued by the way she covered them up with sheets in the middle of the day to protect them from the sun.