The landscape of childhood.

I recently read these thoughts on youth and writing about childhood, paraphrased from George Eliot:

...in the landscape of youth there is nothing important, except that is where we learned to be human. Sensitivity to one's childhood landscape is a sign of moral maturity.
(In a review of Rebecca Mead's The road to Middlemarch, by Helen Elliott SMH, Feb 2014).

This idea of sensitivity to childhood resonates with me as lately I have noticed that much of my writing is about my reflections of childhood. An incident from my memory is often the starting point for further discussion about something that is pertinent in my life today. So, if as Eliot suggests, this means that I have "moral maturity" then I feel pretty chuffed! 

There are reasons for my fascination with childhood. Obviously my work with young children  reflects and influences my constant thinking about this significant time in our lives, and I agree that it is when and where we learn to be human. We learn how to relate to others,  how to move and survive in this big crazy world, and our brains and hearts take shape. I do however also believe that this learning continues our entire life and that it's never to late to change, but that's a whole other conversation.

I also had a very happy and privileged childhood and I guess that as I age I am becoming more appreciative of this fact. I know that losing my Oma (grandma) and my Dad in the last year has also made me more nostalgic for my early years, as I remember the huge impact of both of these special relationships on the person I grew up to be. I'm also reminded of my childhood and adolescence as I watch my children grow towards adulthood. The emotions and experiences that they go through often feel familiar, sometimes painful, however mostly filled with that sense of excitement for the future and the idea that anything can happen.

At the same time I also remember the feeling of really enjoying and being in the present moment which was such a special part of being a child. I know that as I grow older I am doing my best to relearn that ability to appreciate and fully experience what is happening now - be it good or bad, and let go of worrying about what has been or may happen.




 

Loving the moment! All dressed up for my brother's party with my best friend.

Home, family, friends and celebrations are all part of my 'childhood landscape'. 

(That's me on the left).



 

 

I have to admit that I have wondered if my references to childhood in my writing were in fact childish! Did it mean that my thinking and writing were limited in some way? Perhaps not deep enough for an adult? After reading these words from George Eliot, which then motivated me to think more about why this time of life is so significant for me, I do feel much more confident about this aspect of my writing - and rather morally mature!

Life and death

As I began my walk today I started by feeling so sad after hearing of the loss of the brilliant Robin Williams. It's always a weird thing to shed tears over someone you never knew personally - however being able to make people laugh and cry the way that he did is worth remembering.

As I continued to walk my spirits began to lift. It's cold today - only 12 degrees C, which for a Sydneysider is pretty chilly, but the sun was shining and as I felt it on my skin and I walked with my beautiful dog Mali beside me I felt truly alive. The park had that lovely clean and fresh atmosphere that you get after rain. The sky seemed extra blue and once again I felt so fortunate to have this wonderful space so close to home and the time to appreciate it.

It might sound a little corny, but the contrast between the sadness of death and the beauty of this day filled me with gratitude.  Being alive is such a gift and while life is full of sadness at times, the grief reminds us how precious life is and am I thankful for that. 

Cheers to tap water!!

I've just realised that as today is August 1st, it means that I have gone for a whole 7 months without buying a bottle of water!! Pretty impressive I think.

You may remember that at New Year I resolved not to buy bottled water and while I didn't think it would be too hard, I'm actually surprised at how easy it has been. Buying a bottle of water, and pretty much any bottled drink, is just not an option for me anymore. I have to admit that I have had a few sips from other's bottles, however I would rather wait until I get home, or to a source of tap water to have a proper drink, or take my own bottle filled from the tap at home. I did this often during Summer when we were going out for the day, to the pool or wherever.

It's one of those funny things about our society that so many of us choose to pay for water and then don't think twice about throwing away the bottle that it came in. I think it is a good example of how easy it is to get caught up in what everyone else does, or what marketing tells us to do, without questioning it. Why should we pay for water? Why not drink from the tap? Why is it OK to add to landfill and use up resources by drinking from plastic? Why should convenience always be the priority?

I think that making this resolution has shown me that I can make a choice about my consumption. I am also aware of how fortunate I am that I can make this choice - that I have unlimited access to clean, safe water. There are some sobering statistics about water scarcity on this UN website  -  including the fact that 780 million people do not have access to clean water.

Someone once said to me that every choice we make is also a political one. This sounds pretty heavy, however I agree to a point, because everything we do reflects our beliefs and priorities. If we believe that everything is interconnected, then our actions, whether positive or negative, sustainable or not, will impact on each other and the natural world. I hope that my small change in habit will impact positively and perhaps make others think about the choices they make when it comes to buying water, as well as reminding us to be grateful for what we have.

Cheers!

Early Memories

There was a discussion on the radio (702 ABC) today about our earliest memories and it inspired me to write and think about the early things I can recall. I find memory and the way our brains work to store memory really fascinating. I know that memory is influenced by emotions - particularly strong ones such as fear and surprise. We are programmed to remember negative things so that if we come across them again we know how to protect ourselves. I have done a lot of reading about the brain and about ways to also teach our brains to reinforce positive experiences and emotions. I do feel fortunate that my default is to be glass half full, and this positive bent means that I am generally happy and content. I believe that this has also influenced my memory as I also know that memories are reinforced each time we recall them - so that if you tend to recall happy, positive memories you seem to have more of them and vice-versa with negative ones.

It's also intriguing to me that we all remember different parts of the same experience, or recall it in various ways. My cousin Nicole often remembers things from our childhood and adolescence that I had forgotten - although I can usually find some memory of the event in the back of my mind. My friend Hilary has an amazing memory for detail in books - she remembers the names of every character and has a wonderful ability to visualise scenes. I am not known for having a brilliant memory, particularly for everyday details, however I am greatly influenced (and often overwhelmed!) by my emotions and I am aware of this when I reminisce.

So ... my earliest memory? It is a bit like a series of old polaroids with blurry edges that trigger feelings. A brown paper bag filled with Autumn leaves  - I took this for show and tell at preschool. I would have been 4 years old. I can see the bag and I can hear the crackling noise that the leaves made as I gently squashed the bag. A child in a wheelchair holding the bag of leaves and he is smiling ... I remember asking my Mum about this memory years later when I was a teenager and she confirmed that when I took the leaves in, some of the other children including this boy had a turn at holding the leaves and hearing the sound they made. I was apparently very excited about taking the leaves which I had collected from my garden to show everyone. I guess there was something special about that day, or those moments, or the people I interacted with that made them imprint in my memory. I wonder if it has had an impact on the person I am today, maybe even the choices I have made that have led to me being a preschool teacher? This memory feels very comfortable to me, and its significance in my mind sits well with the things that are important to me today.

What do you remember from your early years? Do your memories tell you something about the person that you grew up to be?

Literary surprises!

This weekend after cleaning out one of my bookcases, I left an offering of a pile of books out at the front of my house. I've mentioned before that one of the ways I soften the blow of decluttering books is the hope that someone who loves them as much as I do will stop and pick one up as they walk by my house. I get a little thrill each time I pop my head out the gate to check on them, and notice that one or two have gone. I admit to being a little obsessive about this, and check a little more often than necessary! Within a few hours the pile of books was almost gone, which filled my book-loving heart with happiness.

On one of my walks around the neighbourhood with my big dog Mali, I recently picked up a couple of books that someone had left out in the same way. What goes around comes around doesn't it?

When I opened the book of short stories by Elizabeth Jolley I got a lovely surprise to find a double page from a literary supplement from the Sydney Morning Herald, dated December 31st 1988. The paper is yellowing and nice and big (like the Herald used to be) and contains a short story by Elizabeth Jolley. My Dad's old books, many of which I have inherited, are similar. Slipped inside I often find a newspaper clipping that is relevant in some way; an interview with the author, reviews of other books by the author, or a comment piece that is in some way related to the book's topic. Most of the clippings are adorned with Dad's comments and important parts underlined and marked with asterisks! (By the way I just discovered that the word 'asterisk' comes from the Greek 'asterikos' meaning little star - isn't that beautiful!).When I find one of these treasures I feel like Dad is with me once again sharing his love of books, which is very comforting. Just as I was, I know that he would have been thrilled to know that somewhere, long ago in 1988, someone else was saving newspaper articles for the same purpose!

A new pact with myself

I've never been brilliant at making decisions.  I tend to over think situations and I know that I definitely try too hard to keep everyone happy which can sometimes be to my detriment. I have written about decision making before here - Make a pact with yourself - where I talk about always making time with my children a priority. In the last few weeks I have been mulling over an offer of extra work and wondering whether I should accept it or not. I have tossed around the pros and cons over and over, but just haven't been able to shake the feeling of discomfort it gives me. I have feelings of obligation, guilt, desire for recognition (and money!) and so on, however none of these are enough for me to commit to a job that, based on my past experience, I am pretty sure will result in me feeling stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I spent time with two old friends who both work in the same field as me, and I talked to them about my decision. Both reminded me that yes! I had asked them to please tell me not to do this type of work again. I thought about what advice I would give them if they were in the same situation and I know that I would tell them to make themselves a priority. And this is where I had the idea of making a new pact with myself - to do what is best for me. This focus on myself feels slightly uncomfortable. I definitely fit into the category of women who worry about everyone else before themselves. I have had major health issues in recent years and yet I still don't make my health and need to reduce stress the priority that it should be.

Later in the day as I was grocery shopping I was thinking about this new pact with myself and I ran into another friend who without even knowing what I had been thinking over, gave me the final encouragement I needed. In the checkout at Woolies -  where many wise words are spoken - she reminded me to rest, to take care of myself and to be creative.

So now, with thanks to my 3 wise friends, I've made a decision. I will take on work that feels good, that doesn't give me that awful tight feeling in my chest whenever I think about it. I will do work that fits in time wise - so that other things in my life and my family's life aren't compromised. I am also going to commit to use the time I do have to be creative - to write at a regular time at least once a week and to exercise regularly.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this new pact will take me. I expect I will find it hard at times, and of course I know I will continue to consider others in my decisions. I had a look for quotes about self care, of which there are many. This one really resonated with me - its about letting go which I believe is a bit of a theme in my life.

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~ Kim McMillen   When I loved myself enough

I also like this one - if I take care of myself I'll be more able and available to take care of others.

 

Do you agree that looking after yourself is a priority? How do you think you are doing in this area?

Vanna xxx

Reading - the silver lining.

It's been a while between posts as I had a small health hiccup, however am thankfully all recovered and ready for life to return to 'normal'. There is always a sliver lining and  having to take some time off to heal meant that I got to do lots of reading! I finished both books that I posted about previously - Far from the Tree and Currawong Manor.

Currawong Manor was a wonderful escape into another world full of interesting and eccentric characters and mystery. The atmosphere that Josephine creates is thick with suspense and her words build such strong and beautiful pictures. The story is set in the Blue Mountains and I always enjoy reading about somewhere that is familiar to me. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the mountains so that I can enjoy the beautiful scenery with the images and characters from Currawong Manor playing in my mind.

Far from the Tree also lived up to expectations. I was overwhelmed by the stories of family, love and resilience that Andrew Solomon presents as he explores identity and difference. My work as a teacher has given me a small amount of understanding of how having a child with a disability or who 'doesn't fit in' can impact on families, and this book explores such a wide range of children and families that I feel I have expanded my knowledge enormously by reading it. He covers so many issues, particularly the significance of identity, without judgement and with love and sensitivity, and highlights the incredible strength that can be gained from tough times and experiences.

I also re-read The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion - such a fun and clever book.

I am so thankful that I enjoy (actually adore and couldn't live without!) reading. Knowing that I can escape into a book helps me to move beyond my own concerns and makes my life bigger and more amazing.