Early Memories

There was a discussion on the radio (702 ABC) today about our earliest memories and it inspired me to write and think about the early things I can recall. I find memory and the way our brains work to store memory really fascinating. I know that memory is influenced by emotions - particularly strong ones such as fear and surprise. We are programmed to remember negative things so that if we come across them again we know how to protect ourselves. I have done a lot of reading about the brain and about ways to also teach our brains to reinforce positive experiences and emotions. I do feel fortunate that my default is to be glass half full, and this positive bent means that I am generally happy and content. I believe that this has also influenced my memory as I also know that memories are reinforced each time we recall them - so that if you tend to recall happy, positive memories you seem to have more of them and vice-versa with negative ones.

It's also intriguing to me that we all remember different parts of the same experience, or recall it in various ways. My cousin Nicole often remembers things from our childhood and adolescence that I had forgotten - although I can usually find some memory of the event in the back of my mind. My friend Hilary has an amazing memory for detail in books - she remembers the names of every character and has a wonderful ability to visualise scenes. I am not known for having a brilliant memory, particularly for everyday details, however I am greatly influenced (and often overwhelmed!) by my emotions and I am aware of this when I reminisce.

So ... my earliest memory? It is a bit like a series of old polaroids with blurry edges that trigger feelings. A brown paper bag filled with Autumn leaves  - I took this for show and tell at preschool. I would have been 4 years old. I can see the bag and I can hear the crackling noise that the leaves made as I gently squashed the bag. A child in a wheelchair holding the bag of leaves and he is smiling ... I remember asking my Mum about this memory years later when I was a teenager and she confirmed that when I took the leaves in, some of the other children including this boy had a turn at holding the leaves and hearing the sound they made. I was apparently very excited about taking the leaves which I had collected from my garden to show everyone. I guess there was something special about that day, or those moments, or the people I interacted with that made them imprint in my memory. I wonder if it has had an impact on the person I am today, maybe even the choices I have made that have led to me being a preschool teacher? This memory feels very comfortable to me, and its significance in my mind sits well with the things that are important to me today.

What do you remember from your early years? Do your memories tell you something about the person that you grew up to be?

Literary surprises!

This weekend after cleaning out one of my bookcases, I left an offering of a pile of books out at the front of my house. I've mentioned before that one of the ways I soften the blow of decluttering books is the hope that someone who loves them as much as I do will stop and pick one up as they walk by my house. I get a little thrill each time I pop my head out the gate to check on them, and notice that one or two have gone. I admit to being a little obsessive about this, and check a little more often than necessary! Within a few hours the pile of books was almost gone, which filled my book-loving heart with happiness.

On one of my walks around the neighbourhood with my big dog Mali, I recently picked up a couple of books that someone had left out in the same way. What goes around comes around doesn't it?

When I opened the book of short stories by Elizabeth Jolley I got a lovely surprise to find a double page from a literary supplement from the Sydney Morning Herald, dated December 31st 1988. The paper is yellowing and nice and big (like the Herald used to be) and contains a short story by Elizabeth Jolley. My Dad's old books, many of which I have inherited, are similar. Slipped inside I often find a newspaper clipping that is relevant in some way; an interview with the author, reviews of other books by the author, or a comment piece that is in some way related to the book's topic. Most of the clippings are adorned with Dad's comments and important parts underlined and marked with asterisks! (By the way I just discovered that the word 'asterisk' comes from the Greek 'asterikos' meaning little star - isn't that beautiful!).When I find one of these treasures I feel like Dad is with me once again sharing his love of books, which is very comforting. Just as I was, I know that he would have been thrilled to know that somewhere, long ago in 1988, someone else was saving newspaper articles for the same purpose!

A new pact with myself

I've never been brilliant at making decisions.  I tend to over think situations and I know that I definitely try too hard to keep everyone happy which can sometimes be to my detriment. I have written about decision making before here - Make a pact with yourself - where I talk about always making time with my children a priority. In the last few weeks I have been mulling over an offer of extra work and wondering whether I should accept it or not. I have tossed around the pros and cons over and over, but just haven't been able to shake the feeling of discomfort it gives me. I have feelings of obligation, guilt, desire for recognition (and money!) and so on, however none of these are enough for me to commit to a job that, based on my past experience, I am pretty sure will result in me feeling stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I spent time with two old friends who both work in the same field as me, and I talked to them about my decision. Both reminded me that yes! I had asked them to please tell me not to do this type of work again. I thought about what advice I would give them if they were in the same situation and I know that I would tell them to make themselves a priority. And this is where I had the idea of making a new pact with myself - to do what is best for me. This focus on myself feels slightly uncomfortable. I definitely fit into the category of women who worry about everyone else before themselves. I have had major health issues in recent years and yet I still don't make my health and need to reduce stress the priority that it should be.

Later in the day as I was grocery shopping I was thinking about this new pact with myself and I ran into another friend who without even knowing what I had been thinking over, gave me the final encouragement I needed. In the checkout at Woolies -  where many wise words are spoken - she reminded me to rest, to take care of myself and to be creative.

So now, with thanks to my 3 wise friends, I've made a decision. I will take on work that feels good, that doesn't give me that awful tight feeling in my chest whenever I think about it. I will do work that fits in time wise - so that other things in my life and my family's life aren't compromised. I am also going to commit to use the time I do have to be creative - to write at a regular time at least once a week and to exercise regularly.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this new pact will take me. I expect I will find it hard at times, and of course I know I will continue to consider others in my decisions. I had a look for quotes about self care, of which there are many. This one really resonated with me - its about letting go which I believe is a bit of a theme in my life.

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~ Kim McMillen   When I loved myself enough

I also like this one - if I take care of myself I'll be more able and available to take care of others.

 

Do you agree that looking after yourself is a priority? How do you think you are doing in this area?

Vanna xxx